A Faraway Friend is
someone you grew up with or went to school with or lived in the same town as
until one of you moved away. Without a Faraway Friend, you would never get any
mail addressed in handwriting. A Faraway Friend calls late at night, invites you
to her wedding, always says she is coming to visit but rarely shows up. An
actual visit from a Faraway Friend is a cause for celebration and binges of all
kinds. Faraway friends go
through phases of intense communication, then maybe out of touch for many
months. Either way, the connection is always there. A conversation with your
Faraway Friend always helps to put your life in perspective: When you feel you’ve
hit a dead end, come to a confusing fork in the road, or gotten lost in some
cracker-box subdivision of your life, the advice of the Faraway Friend — who
has the big picture, who is so well acquainted with the route that brought you
to this place — is indispensable. Another useful
function of the Faraway Friend is to help you remember things from a long time
ago, like the name of your seventh-grade history teacher, what was in that
really good stir-fry, or exactly what happened that night on the boat with the
guys from Florida. Ah, the former friend.
A sad thing. At best a wistful memory, at worst a dangerous enemy who is in
possession of many of your deepest secrets. But what was it that drove you
apart? A misunderstanding, a betrayed confidence, an underpaid loan, an
ill-conceived flirtation. A poor choice of spouse can do in a friendship just
like that. Going into business together can be a serious mistake. Time, money,
distance, cult religions: all noted friendship killers. You quit doing drugs,
you’re not such good friends with your dealer anymore. And lest we forget,
there are the Friends You Love to Hate. They call at inopportune times. They
say stupid things. They butt in, they boss you around, they embarrass you in
public. They invite themselves over. They take advantage. You’ve done the best
you can, but they need professional help. On top of all this, they love you to
death and are convinced they’re your best friends on the planet. So why do you continue
to be involved with these people? Why do you tolerate them? On the contrary,
the real question is what would you do without them. Without Friends You Love
to Hate, there would be nothing to talk about with your other friends. Their
problems and their irritating stunts provide a reliable source of conversation
for everyone they know. What’s more, Friends You Love to Hate make you feel
good about yourself, since you are obviously in so much better shape than they
are. No matter what these people do, you will never get rid of them. As much as
they need you, you need them, too. At the other end of
the spectrum are Hero Friends. These people are better than the rest of us,
that’s all there is to it. Their career is something you wanted to be when you
grew up — painter, forest ranger, tireless doer of good. They have beautiful
homes filled with special handmade things presented to them by villagers in the
remote areas they have visited in their extensive travels. Yet they are modest.
They never gossip. They are always helping others, especially those who have
suffered a death in the family or an illness. You would think people like this
would just make you sick, but somehow they don’t. A new friend is a tonic
unlike any other. Say you meet her at a party. In your bowling league. At a
Japanese conversation class, perhaps. Wherever, whenever, there’s that spark of
recognition. The first time you talk, you can’t believe how much you have in
common. Suddenly, your life story is interesting again, your insights fresh,
your opinion valued. Your various shortcomings are as yet completely invisible.
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